By John Boehner

My fellow Americans, I’m happy to be invited to be a guest blogger for The Gurp Files. First, I have to say, I’m a little bit giddy to be blogging. I’ve never done this before. I feel so technomalogical!

It’s with a heavy heart, however, that I have to say, don’t make me do this to you. And by me, I mean, us, the Republicans, or really, the government. Don’t make us shut down.

You don’t really want us to shut down the ENTIRE government, do you? But, that’s what we will have to do if we don’t get our way. And, that’s good because our way is really super awesome. If the government shuts down then you will really regret it. Really.

Remember a couple years ago when the whole financial market was melting down because the Democrats were so awful about things and they caused it? Well, remember when they had the bailouts? We had to do that because you don’t want those banks to fail. That would have been bad. Very bad. This would be bad, too. Imagine if there wasn’t a federal government! First of all, the IRS people can’t go to work. Now, many of you are trying to negotiate payment plans and settlements on outstanding taxes. That will take even longer without the IRS working. Plus, if you’re late, you’ll have to pay interest, so you better not let the government shut down so that you can still pay your taxes.

With no federal government, our military can’t function. Do you want us to have to pull out of the three different wars we’re fighting in the Middle East? What would you watch on CNN? Plus, all those soldiers would just come back here and want jobs. And we don’t have jobs now!

This is why we need to reduce spending. We need to cut the hell out of Medicaid and Medicare. This will stimulate job growth! It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that the reason so many companies aren’t hiring is because they think that senior citizens will continue getting a free ride from the government. We also need to cut some other welfare programs that are weighing down our economy and get Americans back to work.

And, since a lot of teachers are reading this blog, I – uh, what? Oh. I thought you said – No? Okay. Well, The Gurp Files guy just told me that it’s not really a lot of teachers. Probably 12 or so, but still. My point remains, teachers, I want you to really get those kids ready for those standardized tests! We need some high scores! If your school hasn’t continued improving toward the goal of having all of your students at or above proficient and all of the subgroups at or above proficient and you aren’t making adequate yearly progress toward that target academic percentile whatsit. I mean, wait, um, okay, look, just teach those kids. That’s all we’re asking. Teach the kids or we’ll shut down your school and take it over.

Don’t make me do this to you.